Trying to find the words to understand what I want to express right now is difficult as I'm confused myself as to why certain things happen in our lives.
When I was in school I remember always striving to make sure that I was liked by everyone and if someone didn't then I would do whatever it took to change their minds, change who I was to be more likable to them which would then mean that some of those that already liked me would start to draw back as they were not liking the new me so the vicious cycle would start and continue on for many years. Craving attention was always my downfall growing up as I would be searching in all the wrong places, even the darkest of places just so that I would be getting what I needed, getting my tank full. Little did I know that I was chipping away at my self, slowing bringing destruction to my heart. Even growing up in church I never turned to Jesus for the fulfillment.
This as I got older lead me down an extremely dark and destructive path that eventually completely shattered me into a thousand pieces. Over the past 6 years I have been slowly putting those pieces back together and believe me I am defiantly no where near finished. Yes, I have come along way and am doing a whole lot better though this journey is not yet over. Along the way though I have had to put aside friendships that were just holding me down wanting me to stay as low as I could. JESUS has been an incredible release when things are just getting too much, when I feel as though I just don't want to open my eyes to yet another day. As the 'Footprints' poem suggests at this point in my walk with Jesus, I only see one set of footprints in the sand as He is carrying me.
Oops that was not exactly what I wanted to post about originally, love when you set out to do something yet somewhere along the way the spirit steers you in a new direction without you even realising. Love those moments.
What I was writing about at beginning was that seasons change us and sometimes it seems for the not so good, and sometimes for the oh so good. In this season we are battling some big stuff in our house, since my husbands motorbike accident 2 and half years ago we have been riding a very emotional roller coaster that never seems to end. In 2 weeks he will be traveling to Brisbane for a week for specialist appointments that will hopefully tell us the full extent of his injuries and what is yet to come. THAT is the part that has been scared, petrified even. Is my heart ready to hear what they have to say? is it ready for the worst is it even ready for the best? my biggest question.....How long do we have him for?................................................................................................................
........................................................... Am i ready for THAT?
This is when i cling to my Jesus for dear life with tears streaming down my face, Can I do this? Can I live the next years with the thought in the back of my mind that at one point in my life it will just be me in this union of marriage, will I have to travel the rest of my journey with just my kids by my side. will there be a morning I wake and he is not by my side. I know this feeling oh to well as I experienced it so tangible 2 and a half years ago when we were in the mist of it all. Everyone of these questions flooded my mind as we waited, waited for him to wake up, waited for the phone call that he had gone to be with Jesus (thank the Mighty God we never got that call), waited to see what the damage would be and now as we prepare for the future I look to Jesus for comfort, understanding, wisdom, strength to carry my kids and husband through this next year as we continue this challenging season.
Kristie xx
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